Am I Living?

Do you ever have that strange feeling that one day you’re gonna wake up and find yourself starring in your own version of the Truman Show? I just had that weird feeling tonight while washing dishes at work.  Sometimes it really freaks me out that I’m alive, I’m a human being living on earth. Living, breathing, thinking, talking, eating, interacting with other human beings. How weird is it when you really stop and think about it?  I mean, what is life? What are we really living for? James says, “…yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.” We’re here for some years and then we’re gone. This scares me actually. Not necessarily the idea of dying, but the idea of not living while I’m alive.  I think about this often. Especially with a big birthday coming up, I’m always afraid I’m wasting my life. Sure, I have great moments here and there and I realize that not everyday is going to be crazy and adventurous, but we only get to live once.  So I guess the question is, what is living??

As I type this, my brother is actually packing a backpack full of gear getting ready to head to Colorado with some friends.  They’re going to spend the next couple of days  hiking up Longs Peak, one of Colorado’s “fourteeners.” Sounds exhilarating. Makes me think…climbing mountains, is that living??

Some of my best friends are currently finishing up a road trip from Texas to Canada and back the round about way. They’ve seen some amazing sights and breathed the fresh air…road trips, fresh water beaches, evergreens…is that living??

At one point in my life I had a career.  Like I actually went to something like 5 1/2 years of college (sore subject, don’t ask), earned a degree and got a job that people like to call a profession. A job that made pretty decent money and made me feel more like an actual adult. Something with a retirement plan, money to pay my bills, convenient schedule…so money in the bank and paid vacations…is that living??

I had dinner with some friends recently who tour in a band. They get to “live the dream” or so people say.  Living it up, traveling, playing music, always new places and new faces. Sure they don’t make any money, but they’re rock stars right?? Just to be clear, that’s totally not what they’re about, but from the world’s perspective they’ve supposedly got it made. Living out of a van, adding to the collection of tour laminates on your carabiner, plugging in-rocking out…is that living??

I guess “living” has a different definition to everyone, but there’s just always been this ache or nagging so to speak in my spirit to make the most of life. To see the world, to make life long friends, to invest in people, to experience the fullness of the freedom we have in Christ. Not the freedom to make stupid decisions or to cheapen His grace, but the freedom to take pleasure in a full life. I feel like we spend too much time working or being busy with things that don’t really matter.  As a society we’ve come to accept that you should spend your days trying to make something of yourself, working to obtain “stuff.” Whatever the “stuff” is in your life that you work for. Things that are eventually going to be outdated so you have to work some more to get the newer version. Things that are just going to end up at Goodwill someday anyway. Instead of slowing down and enjoying life. That’s just a bit of my rant, I’ll spare you my random thoughts.  Some days I feel like I’m accomplishing life, others not so much. Anyone else have any thoughts on this? I just can’t stop thinking about it. Or maybe I just suffer from anxiety and should see a doctor?? Who knows?

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