SO yesterday was Father’s Day. I unfortunately didn’t get to spend time with my Father. He didn’t even get a phone call from me. Sad, I know. Sundays can be difficult though, and you wouldn’t think that one hour time difference would matter that much, but it does. I did however manage to send him a package this year and it actually got to him on Saturday. Yes, Saturday… as in the day before Sunday, the day BEFORE Father’s day. I’m just a little proud of myself, because in all of my years of existence I can probably count on one hand the number of times I’ve actually sent someone a package and it got there BEFORE the intended holiday or celebration.
Anyway, I know Father’s day has come and gone, but I found this little tumblr page called ‘Dads are the original hipsters‘ and I couldn’t resist posting a few of these. Some of them do actually remind me of my dad, some of the others are just for fun, all of them making fun of hipsters.
(I’m gonna warn you…these have been edited for your reading pleasure. If you happen to want to look at the original site, just know that it’s crude. A lot of jokes about your mom you don’t want to hear and enough f-bombs to take out an entire city. Viewing discretion is advised.)
Your dad had a Leica before you did. His photos killed it. So hipsters, when you’re ready to stop taking Hipstamatic shots with your iPhone 4, give dad a call for a few lessons.
P.S. Nobody gives a care what lens, flash and film you used to take that terrible photo of the vegan, soy, crap you’re about to eat, so stop posting it on Facebook.
Your dad had a beard before you did. It wasn’t a trend or a fashion statement, it was pure function and unbridled masculinity. With his beard, he could fall a tree without picking up an axe. With your patchwork beard, the only thing you can do is attract ironic women who only like beards because they’ve been brain washed by PBR into thinking they’re attractive. You want to know how your dad got your mom? The power of his beard lured her in. So hipster, stop trying to grow your face in, you’re never going to kill it like dad.
Your dad smoked before you did.
And why wouldn’t he? Smoking was healthy. He didn’t need a filter, that’s what his lungs were for. But it was okay for your dad to smoke, nobody knew it was bad. So hipsters, next time your taking a break from your graphic design freelance work in San Francisco smoking an American Spirit, remember. Smoking isn’t cool anymore, that’s why your dad quit.
You dad wore jorts before you did and his were shorter.
Why do you wear them hipsters?
“I cut the short that way so when I’m riding my bike they don’t get caught on my knee” or “I need a place to carry my u-lock and to clip my carabiner to.”
Your father is ashamed. He rocked jorts with pride because they showed off his pride. No excuses.
Sorry hipsters, your jorts don’t exude masculinity or deadly seduction like your fathers did.
Your dad wore a knit cap before you did. Whether you call it a homeless hat, hipster cap, or a magical Prancing Cera ironic head coverall, your dad donned it while adjusting the jib on his schooner. He sailed and listened to yacht rock.
So hipsters, until you’ve reached the level of awesomeness where Poseidon sends mermaids as peace offerings to the boat you Captain, give the cap back to dad.
Your dad was obsessed with cats before you were. Sure dogs are sweet, but your dad knew that cats were the butt kicking BAs of the domesticated animal world. He didn’t jump on the cat loving bandwagon after he saw his first monorail cat, he was the man captioning those photos. Oh you didn’t know that? Your dad loves cats so much that he was the creator LOL cats. So hipster, next time it’s 3 am and your sitting on tumblr looking at cat photos, remember this…
you’re dad knew cats were awesome and some nights he wishes you would have turned out half that good.
Your dad ate local fair trade produce before you did and he has dirt under his finger nails to prove it. Your dad had a green thumb and leather tanned neck. He worked in the garden and grew his own food, not because he had to, but because he wanted to. So hipsters, next time you’re asking the waitress if the tomatoes in your salad were ethically grown, locally produced, fair trade, sustainable and if the workers were given a livable wage, remember this…
Your dad was the leader of the eating local trend, he contributed to society etc..etc…
Your dad knew what grunge was before you did and he had the shirt tied around his waist to prove it. Long before you knew what teen spirit smelled like, your dad was breathing it deep. It was a rich tapestry of belly shirts, teen angst and days without showering.
So hipsters, next time you’re tying a flannel around your waist, moshing with a fist full of tallboy Tecate, and sweating the night away at a 90’s dance party, remember this…
Your dad was grunge before grunge was grunge and he is the reason millions were inspired to turn their mid sections into human coat racks.
Your dad was into tennis before you were and he has the balls to prove it. He’s been crushing cross court between the legs point, set, match slams since before Federer could say Wimbledon. And, with his nylon strung pine hammer, he was Thor of the tennis court and thunder served aces with his eyes closed.
So hipsters, just because your god Wes directed a movie about a Royal family that made tennis seem SO indie, remember this…
When your dad says he “Loves” you, he’s really saying you’re just zero to his match point.
Your dad was into American Apparel before you and he has the monochromatic pimp get ups to prove it. He was an all balls, no helmet kind of man that knew what full commitment looked like, and it looked awesome. Bathed head to toe in the freshest royal Pantone swatches, he was known for fist slapping anyone who had the stones to step up and called him lavender. He was the King of the single color outfit.
So hipsters, next time you’re listening to Sleigh Bells in the dressing room while trying to look indifferent in the mirror, remember this…
If millions of hipsters shop at the same store, doesn’t that make the store mainstream?
Your dad played obscure musical instruments before you did and there’s a sultry flute ballad about your mom to prove it. Everyone plays guitar, it’s the English of instruments that frat dogs pick up to woo women with unoriginality. Your dad was a true musician, a virtuoso of cylindrical steel and The Pied Piper of swooning.
So hipsters, next time you’re red eyed at an Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros concert and feeling mystically inspired to start playing the accordion or viola, remember this…
Your dad could give you obscure music lessons if he wasn’t busy working to pay for your liberal arts degree.
Your dad was into mother nature before you were and he has the tent popping skills to prove it. He knew that partying in the city was played out, so he stepped his game up and stepped into the great outdoors. With his Igloo cooler filled with sangria and man musk scented flannel, he marched into the wilderness. He was the Bear Grylls of his generation, but unlike Bear, he drank fragrant wine instead of his fragrant piss.
So hipsters, next time you’re packing up the 1990 Volvo wagon to escape into nature because “those stupid mainstream idiots” have gentrified your once beautiful urban landscape, remember this…
The great outdoors were just the outdoors until your dad got there.
Your dad drank obscure sodas before you did and he has the cavities to prove it. Forget Coke and Pepsi, they’re the Justin Bieber of refreshments. When your dad was thirsty he tossed back sodas so obscure that sometimes he didn’t even know what they were. Ginger lemon agave soda, heck yeah he’s drank it and it doesn’t even exist.
So hipsters, next time you’re crushing a glass bottle of Jarritos or Boylan soda at your favorite taqueria while complaining about how mainstream it has become because of a Groupon, remember this…
Your dad’s soda game was on point and next time you want to earn some indie cred, maybe you should ask dad what to drink.
Your dad wore suspenders before you did and his pants have never fallen down as proof of it. These pant U-Locks let him high step it into the pages of the fashion history books without fear of exposing a backside, unless it was intentional.
So hipsters, next time you’re looking like the ironic Amish man in the coffee shop while playing with your iPhone 4, remember this…
Your dad was so awesome that he had to strap clothes down to his body.
Your dad kept it crisp in bow ties before you did and he can still tie a knot so fresh that it would choke the smoke out of your throat to prove it. He was an office 007 with the fashional fortitude to pull off a neck dressing so bold with preconceived notions that most men would look like pocket protected woman repellers. But not your dad, each elegant tangle of his collar fixing further cemented his place in the dapper upper crust of the GQ elite.
So hipsters, next time you’re watching a Youtube video on “how to tie a bow tie” while cursing furiously at how difficult this Rubik’s Cube of fashion accessories is to solve, remember this…
You’ll always be as genuine as a clip on.
Happy Father’s Day Dad!! Thanks for being awesome since 1955!
I‘ve got to give credit where credit is due…